Two weeks ago, Kenny and I hit Sin City to celebrate my 40th birthday. We had a blast and, during our whirlwind trip, enjoyed ourselves to the fullest.
And then we came home. I jumped right back into a hectic work and life schedule. My MIL was in town watching the kids while we were gone, so I had a house guest for several more days. (NOTE: She’s a great house guest – nothing against her – just extra work when you have company.) Before I knew it, the weekend was here, and I hadn’t run a single step or written a single word.
Believing that 40 gave me a fresh start, it excited me in the weeks leading up to my birthday to make some changes I wanted. I have a schedule I like to keep, especially for my two big goals – running a hundred mile race and writing a novel. I plan my runs out months in advance, running five days a week. Six days of the week, I have writing goals. I was all prepared to kick off my forties with gusto and glory and recommit to mastering these goals.
Alas, instead, I spent every free moment sleeping or trying not to fall asleep. A week after my birthday, I hadn’t run or written at all. I felt really defeated.
Instantly, I began berating myself. I told myself that I had failed my forties. I would never accomplish my goals. It was negative self-talk at its best. I caught myself, however, and asked: what benefit am I getting from beating myself up over past inaction?
The answer is nothing but misery. I was perpetuating the negativity by dwelling on the choices I had made over the previous week. But the past is in the past, as they say.
So I pivoted. I changed my thoughts to, “what can I learn from this week and how can I apply those lessons toward my goals?”
I was making my inaction mean that my forties will be a failure. What was true is that my mind and body needed rest. And while I rested, I did not do willingly it. Since I was fighting the rest, it took longer to recover.
What I needed was grace.
Grace is courteous goodwill, and frankly, I wasn’t giving myself grace. I would never speak to my husband or best friend the way I was talking to myself.
To give grace is an essential skill and one we may offer to others but rarely to ourselves. Grace is the kindness we give when someone makes a mistake. It is the hand we lend when someone is in need. It is the door we hold open or the donations we give to charity. Grace is the simple gestures we practice every day that makes the world a better place.
Had I given myself grace, I would have embraced the need to rest. I would have reminded myself that life was very full, and I needed a little breathing room. With grace, I would have given myself what I needed rather than pushing myself beyond the edge.
When we offer ourselves grace, we can see past the bruised ego or the hurt feelings or the ill-mannered words. We can see to the truth lying beneath the surface and treat ourselves with the same kindness we would offer a lost child or an elderly man.
The next first step is to listen for those moments when you aren’t speaking to yourself well. Challenge your mind to admit when it isn’t kind. When you can see those moments, you can clear away the cruelty and, in its place, you can extend the hand of grace.
