If I created a manual for life, everyone picks up their dirty clothes and puts them in a laundry basket. They clean up the crumbs that fall off their plates, get their work accomplished by the deadline, and never forget a promise they’ve made to me.
While no real manual exists, we have all created unwritten manuals. Manuals are the way we believe the world should operate. In a perfect world, everyone would follow the rules we’ve created and operate exactly as the manual outlines.
Alas, no such world exists. And to be honest, would we really want that? Would the world be a better place if we all acted and thought and responded the same way?
Forced into circumstances that challenge our way of thinking, diversity of thought and actions helps us grow. While wholly beneficial, it makes for many uncomfortable situations when things do not unfold according to plan and, as a result, we get frustrated and angry.
In our frustration and anger, we affirm we will set boundaries and that these boundaries will ensure that others will act the way we want them to act. Yet, that also isn’t possible. No one can control the actions of another person.
Instead of using boundaries to get someone else to comply with our rules of life, we must shift our thinking. Think instead of boundaries as a decision about how we will act when someone else breaks our rules.
Boundaries are a useful tool to manage expectations and to deal with situations where others do not follow our manual. But they are not a way to control another person’s behavior.
For example, every morning, a coworker named Marsha comes to your cubicle, cup of coffee in hand, and starts chatting. She doesn’t wait for you to respond. She just launches into describing her weekend or sharing the latest gossip around the office. You are polite and interact a little because you don’t want her feelings to be hurt, but in your mind, you are seething because she isn’t following your manual. Your manual clearly states that you should not commandeer someone’s morning.
Hasn’t she read the manual? Doesn’t she realize how rude she is being?
Reality check – Her manual has a completely unique set of rules to follow. Your manuals are conflicting and now you aren’t sure what to do.
You may try to set a boundary with the goal of changing her, but this method will not be effective. You can tell her you don’t want to be disturbed in the morning, but if she doesn’t listen, then what?
You can tell her that in the mornings you focus best and would appreciate if she could save the conversation for the lunchroom, but you cannot depend on her to change or give her an ultimatum. The most critical part is letting her know that because it is important to you to focus on your work and that if she comes when you are focusing, you cannot listen or talk with her.
It is a fine distinction. You aren’t drawing the line on her behavior, but on your own behavior. Remember that until this point, you were continuing to engage when she came to talk. Through your actions, you were encouraging the behavior that you found so distracting. So it is your own behavior, not hers, that needs to change first.
When you draw a boundary around yourself, you have no control over someone else’s reaction. You can’t force them to stay out. You can’t decide for them how they will behave. But you can decide how you will respond.
It’s true she might have her feelings hurt. But if you don’t set a boundary, then you hurt your own feelings. You must first care for yourself before you can care for others. In order to set a healthy boundary, you have to first respect yourself.
When you practice respect for yourself, you will radiate respect for others. Respect doesn’t mean giving another person whatever they want at our own expense. True respect must also care for our own needs.
So the next first step is to look for situations you dislike and review how you are responding. Then ask yourself, is this how I want to respond? Am I generating the outcome I would like to have? If the answer is no, then you need to set a boundary for yourself, not for the other person. When this occurs, your complete experience will adjust, grow, and improve.
