The Unsent Email

Picture this….you’ve received an email and learned that a project you are working on has been derailed. An individual you were counting on to provide assistance told you in no uncertain terms that your idea is a no-go. They have told you that your goal is impossible and provided you reasons you are off base.

This project is a goal you set for yourself. You have run into other barriers and have overcome each one and are close to the finish line. You’ve been working awhile now and receiving disappointing news when you are so close to success generates anger and frustration. You are seething and seeing red.

Thoughts rush through your head like, “He only want to say no.” “She is never any help.” “They are incompetent and have no idea what they are saying.”

You fire back an email unleashing the full range of your wrath on the individual waiting on the other end. You write out why they are wrong, how they crushed your spirit and are ruining your hard work. You are convinced that they have been waiting for this exact moment to drop a bomb on you for their own entertainment.

This unleashes a torrent of emails back and forth arguing over whose perspective is right and all the reasons the other person is wrong. Eventually one of you gives in, but the relationship is damaged and you dread the next time you have to work with this person.

Sound familiar?

We’ve all had situations similar to the above. Maybe less dramatic or perhaps far more. But it all boils down to bad communication.

In today’s digital age, communication has become easier with instant messaging and quick emails. A text takes a quarter of the time that a phone call might. And so we rely more and more on these written forms.

But with this written form, we’ve lost two valuable components of communication: tone and body-language.

Nonverbal communication is a very important aspect of our day-to-day life. Behavioral psychologist Dr. Albert Mehrabian researched the topic of communication and developed the the 7-38-55 rule. The 7-38-55 rule indicates that only 7% of all communication is done through verbal (or written) communication. 38% of communication relies on tone of voice and 55% on body language. This means that when communicating through emails, texts, and instant messages, we are losing 93% of effective communication.

When a situation goes sideways, like the above situation, anger and frustration can get out of control and escalate quickly. So if the goal is to get the outcome we have set out to achieve, relying on written forms of communication only is an ineffective strategy.

Instead, consider how you can use written communication to your advantage.

First, go ahead and draft that email you are dying to send. Open a new email but DO NOT put anyone’s name in the “to:” boxes. Then write out everything you want to say to that person. Tell them how you are so angry. Tell them how you think they can’t do their job. Do not hold back. (NOTE: This is why leaving the “to:” box blank is critical! No accidentally sent messages here.)

Then, once you’ve gotten all your frustration and anger out and onto the page, hit save. Put it in your draft email box and let it go for an hour, four hours, or a day. Don’t look at it. Go focus on something else instead. Take a walk, work on a successful project, or anything else that will help you reframe your mind in a positive way.

When the requisite amount of time has past, and you have had a chance to calm down and refocus, then go back and reread what you wrote. You will find that much of what you unleashed is exaggerated, untrue, or plain mean. And you will find that most of it does nothing to help achieve the goal.

Now delete the whole email. Do it. Let go of that anger and frustration.

This unsent email is a game changer, helping you to shed the anger and then refocus on a solution that will work to accomplish your goals. After you have let it go, you can circle back to the original situation. Schedule a video chat or in person meeting to increase your likelihood of finding a workable solution. When you can bring tone and body language into the discussion the whole conversation changes.

In the end, the objective is to find solutions and make forward progress. The next first step is to go ahead and write that negative snarky angry response but do not send. If you let your anger and frustration rule the day, you will make backward progress, destroy relationships and negatively impact future outcomes. Using the unsent email is a great strategy to reframe and refocus on what really matters and will keep you moving forward toward your goals.